Finding the Gratitude~
May 6th 2016
The last weeks with my Dad were full of hope, worry, and love. We didn’t know how sick he was. We didn’t know how much time he had left, or what his wishes were. We didn’t know he was about to make his transition. One of the hardest parts of the experience, was that there was so much uncertainty.
I miss my Dad every day. He has been gone over 2 years now, and I am still realizing what a loss his death is to me. Losing him was the hardest, most devastating thing that has ever happened to me. It left me numb and disconnected with my spirituality for sometime, and changed the way I view life and death forever. Yet, I see now that there were blessings. I can see that the Goddess was there wrapping her arms around him and us. I can see that miracles were taking place.
My Dad’s father had a stroke in 2011 and has been in a nursing home ever since. A few weeks before my Dad passed away, he got sick with a virus. He was taken to the same hospital my Dad was receiving care. This was one only times he has ever left the nursing home since arriving there. At the time it seemed like too much. Too much to ask my Grandmother to bear. However, once my Grandfather quickly recovered, he was able to visit with my Dad. My Dad was able to be in the same room with his Mother, Father, sister and brother. They were all reunited one last time. They sat together, talked, told stories, laughed, and were able to say goodbye. It was a blessing that could not have been planned, arranged, or even thought to pray for. It was truly a gift.
The day of my father’s service was one of sorrow I have never felt before. Surrounded my family and friends, we honored his memory, spirit, and adventures. I felt like a ghost of myself as we floated in the funeral procession to the cemetery with Pink Floyd as our soundtrack. I cried on the shoulder of my sister like I have never cried before. I felt that I could never leave his grave or feel anything but sadness ever again. It seemed too real and like a dream at the same time.
Later that night after my family had retired, my sister, my husband, and I were the only ones left awake. We were emotionally exhausted, and hollow. I got sick. I had been getting sick to my stomach all week. My sister’s stress had shown its self physically with a bad rash on her skin. I thought getting sick was an outward sign of my internal suffering. I blamed stress. My husband had other ideas, and although I dismissed the idea completely he went out and got a pregnancy test.
And so, on the day I thought I would never shift from grief and loss, I found myself standing with my husband and sister, staring in disbelief at a very positive pregnancy test. It was then revealed to me just how intricate Great Spirit’s plan is. The miracle of life and death came full circle in that moment, and although I can’t begin to fathom the power and beauty, I know that even in my darkest hours I am blessed and cared for by the God and Goddess. My life is not as simple as black or white / good or bad. I have experienced that even on my darkest days I can find gratitude, if I am willing to look for it.
****If the language I use to describe my concept of Higher Power makes you uncomfortable, please feel free to substitute your own. It’s easy. I do it all the time. ;)